I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
