took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
