My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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