I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
