How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
