everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
