oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
