I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I am one with the molecules
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
There's even glitter on my cock...
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