using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Your penis caused this!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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