a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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