he puts the penis in happiness.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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