Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
