4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
