Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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