even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
