I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
