if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
