I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
