Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
