When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
