I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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