I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
