Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
