I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
