First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize