he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
