On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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