just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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