How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
