Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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