Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
