our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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