Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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