if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
