Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
