she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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