Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
