A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize