Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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