Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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