I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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