i may or may not be watching the land before time
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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