They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize