Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
