you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
