I just pynch a tree in the face
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
