hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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