this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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