I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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