all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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