1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
