I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
