my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
