you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
