hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
