i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I love you. Go after that dick
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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