so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
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