At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
