The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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