I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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