Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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