Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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