at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize